Weirdest Easter Of All

I'm a verbal processor.  Having a blog has been somewhat therapeutic for me; sharing what's on my mind and having a few of my friends and family reading and responding is a good thing.  Having said that, please allow me to share (or maybe vent) this past week's experiences.  I would encourage you to comment.  I welcome your feedback.

I'm in detox.  Yes, you read that right, but not from what you may think.  I need to confess that I really miss being in worship ministry this time of year.  And while I am enjoying what I'm doing at Meridian (a lot actually), I think it took this week to make me fully realize how much I miss and am going to miss working in the local church.  Even with all the polity, poor leadership, and well-intentioned dragons, I loved leading worship and I was good at it.  I liked reading about it, talking about it, teaching it, preparing for it, and leading it every week.  I loved developing players and singers and technicians and actors into a well-oiled team of worship leaders.  I loved the challenge of taking a seemingly impossible task or project and making something beautiful, productive and excellent out of it.  And although it would always wipe me out, I relished the high of designing and executing big productions; bigger and better than resources or time or talent should have realistically allowed.  This past week, I played piano (with an orchestra) in an Easter production for a local church.  It was a lot of fun, but when it was over, I walked away with kind of an empty feeling.  I kept thinking there was something else I was supposed to be doing.  Surely there was more.  You mean it's over and I can just go home now?  What if I'm not ready to ride off into the horizon?

Then came Easter.  Our family is church hopping - for the first time in my life, LITERALLY.  We've always attended where I was on staff.  Except for a couple of years in the mid 80's (when I wasn't "doing" church), I've been on staff at a local church, either part or full-time, since I was 14 years old.  Trying to find a new church home, where the quality of the service elements (music, media, preaching, etc.) are at least tolerable, totally sucks.  Today, we visited a church where I knew no one, had never been before, and will never return.  It was a complete waste of time.  All I did was sit there and pick it apart, all the while knowing I can do it better than anyone on the platform with both hands tied behind my back any day of the week (I know that sounds arrogant, but it was pretty bad).  I wasn't analyzing or criticizing the hearts or efforts of the people, but the level to which they failed to create a meaningful, well-designed worship experience.  The music was unprepared, poorly played, horribly mixed, vocals were grossly out of tune, the lyric slides were out of sequence, the drama was unrehearsed and very cheesy, the message was nothing more than a series of rabbit trails and completely failed to make its point (or even mention what the rest of the Christian world was celebrating).  I could go on.  I hope we find the right church for us soon.  It's getting old for everyone - especially the girls.

I think I was in church today out of some sense of obligation - to God, my family and me.  Or so it felt.  I mean today was EASTER!, the biggest day of the year for all Christ-followers and I didn't feel like going.  I didn't get up and think, "I can't wait to go to church."  There was no feeling of anticipation or excitement about what was going to happen.  The result was I got out of it exactly what I put into it...nothing!  I think I have a better understanding of why so many people look and act like zombies on Sunday morning during worship.

Needless to say, this past week felt nothing like any "Holy Week" I've ever experienced.  I was totally out of the loop and caught off guard.  This new life will take some getting used to for sure.

Comments

[Sheri Sams]

And who wrote the great song "Here For You"? Oh, yeah, that Coleman guy!

On the one hand, that song is testifying for you that you have don't want to be sitting, you want to be serving! But the flip side is that you have a difficult time letting other people do the official "work" of worship (okay, I hear you on that!)even though you probably need some time to heal, recover, refresh, re-focus.

Maybe for now, God is giving you the chance to really worship rather than work on worship - teaching you to have a quiet tuned-in spirit, a turned-up heart - and giving you the opportunity to deeply internalize and appreciate what a privelege worship is, no matter which side of the stage you're on.

Shawn asks us: "If you could no longer sing or play, could you still worship?" If the answer is no, then he wants us to lay it down and leave it until that answer changes.

So, even though I'm sure you don't need to be reminded of the words:

I've come to serve, not to be served;
Give, not to get -
All for the One who makes me sing.
I want to place you before my selfish ambition,
To become an offering.

So I'll worship You
Not because I seek Your blessing.
Who am I to be this way?
And I will sacrifice -
Not to gain or hold Your favor;
Just because I want to say:

I'm here to love and adore You,
Lay my life before You:
All for Jesus Christ, my King.

By the way, I'm expecting you to lead a workshop in the future about how much you gained and grew as a worshipper and worship leader during the time in your life when God made you sit and wait on Him!

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

Isaiah 40:28-31
Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

P.S. I'm looking foward to worshipping from the other side of the stage when you visit us in June!

[orvis]

Hi Phil. I love reading your blogs. They're entertaining, thought provoking, and often educational. This one was quite personal to me. I missed you at church on Easter. as my friend, and as a musician. specifically at rehearsal where I wasn't the only one who said, "We need Phil". I must confess, when I first read the blog,(on Monday) I was shocked, and and a little disturbed. I looked (unsuccessfully) around the house, and on the internet for the lyrics to this great song I've heard a few times called "Here for you". That first line "I come to serve not to be served" kept running through my head. Anyway, I never found it. But it kept me thinking about and praying for you. Then one day it dawned on me, WOW! God's not done with you. It's like you said. You've more talent in your pinky than some dream of! Who knows what it is, or when it's coming. But it's coming. So stay alert my friend.
your friend Orvis

[Tessa]

I agree with Greg,...maybe you shouldn't church-hop until you are truly ready to be open to what God has for you at each stop. As long as you are more consumed with critiquing than participating (REALLY hard to do, I know)then "do church" outside church walls. We're praying for you guys...

[Tracy Kiser]

I'm not sure that I can say/write any pearls of wisdom to help you and your search. We are your friends, and will pray for you to find peace, healing. . .

[Sis]

Hey bro. I hear your pain and am praying for you. I can only image going 'thru' the motions as you have done this week. You'll find the perfect congregation to be apart of, one perfect for you and your family together to grow and worship together!
Love you! Sis

[Greg]

Hey Phil- Hang in there bud. Your church doesn't define your relationship w/ Christ, it only helps propel the journey. Maybe you shouldn't force the search until you can walk into a church & leave the producer's hat home... until you can just go to worship. Sounds easy, but I know it's not. "You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised." Hebrews 10:36.

peace my friend- greg